it was an inappropriate time for her to contact me. inappropriate because i had begun to feel unnecessary guilt when i heard her name. it was coming up more an more. and i couldn't decide if it was because somewhere inside of me--in that place where i control the weather, and turn night into day, and bring people to their knees just because i secretly want it to happen, and so it does--in that place in my soul i had been thinking of her. wondering after her. looking back on our time together, and our time apart, with the clarity that comes after storms of rage finally disipate.

i can't say that i look back on it with sunshine. but at least the rains have come and gone and washed the air clean so that even from this distance, i can see the outlines clearly.

cody had said just the night before, "guess who got dumped?"

You have a new Friendster Message from Tara. it appeared the morning after. why had cody even brought her up. i felt caught. like we had called on a demon and now she was there in the mirror. bloody fucking mary. and guilty i opened the message.

"who?"

"grace."

i chuckled. i don't know why.

"so did tara. i guess she was seeing a married woman or something."

i didn't believe him. bum information. gossip. "aren't she and jesse still together?" we both shrugged.

the messaging got old so we hopped into a chat. after half an hour of baiting me and me not biting, she said to me, "i just want to make you feel for 5 minutes like i did for the last 12 months."

"oh please. you're not some saint here so stop acting like a martyr. you haven't even thought of me for 5 minutes in the last 12 months. we were awful to each other; it was even fucking handed."

"maybe i should fuck one of your friends and see how that makes you feel."

i laughed out loud when i read that. "tara, you could fuck one of my partners and it still wouldn't make me feel the way that me fucking vicky made you feel."

"yeah, like you never really loved me at all. like the 9 months together was all a farce."

and that's where she was wrong. where all the semantics of love fell short. and where i realized that cody had been more right than i had been prepared for him to be. but now i was prepared.

sharky had laughed when i was saying that i spoke with someone, but as i said it, i mimicked typing on a keyboard. "yup," i joked, "and i'm a great listener too," i said leaning forward mimicking reading lines on a computer screen. everyone roared.

it wasn't the best decision. to sleep with vicky. she was convenient for me. comfortable. comforting. and the situation was so controllable. and i couldn't beleive it--i could have never forseen it--but i did it. i apologized. i told her that i didn't care if she accepted it or even believed me. but that i am sorry, not for how she felt because i didn't do it to make her feel foolish. i would have done it publically and flagrantly. but because it wasn't the best decision i could have made.

and yes, i knew it would hurt her and i did it anyway. i had been so filled with righteous anger at her betrayal and audacity, i had not cared. in fact, i'm sure there was some really twisted pleasure i got out of it.

and so i apologized. you know i'm not even going to tell you what she said. firstly because i'm sure you can guess. secondly because i cannot do the context justice. and thirdly i don't wish to legitimize it by actually repeating it as though it matters.

i do control the weather. did you know that? i used to stand out in left field and will it to rain or shine. and sometimes it would rain. and sometimes it would shine. i was rarely disappointed. but when i was calling on wind and instead stale air just sat, i had no one to blame for it but myself.

either for not wishing hard enough for wind. or not wishing for stale air in the first place. because why would i be so foolish as to wish for something other than what the fates would bring.

"if i was so terrible," she exclaimed, quoting my blog that had so engraded her in the first place, "why the fuck did you stay with me?"

for the first time in over a year i had the skin to receive it as a question and not as a blow. i had the mind to capture it neatly and extract the words from between the barbed wire. i had the tongue and teeth to hold the response in my mouth and taste it without tasting blood or the gunmetal of a barrel. and as i responded something that would have felt like surrender or admission of defeat, i felt stronger than i ever have.

"because, tara. i loved you."

i really did. and you loved me. and i didn't have to say it to her. we did what we could. we did what we were capable. all of the love and hate and care and hurt and tenderness and swinging fists and support and hope and bottles of medicine and bottles of booze. i will claim my mistakes. though she will still lie through hers, denying them to the death. and though my heart was slamming itself against my lungs and ribs and diphram and throat, and it grew to three times its size, when i saw shawn ride up on her bike, i said, "my lunch date is here," with a calm that could have quieted a midwestern thunderhead to a gentle breeze.

"i've been waiting 12 months to say this to you-"

"its been almost 2 years now."

"-and i'm finding it very unsatisfying."

"if you've been waiting almost 2 years to say 'fuck off' just say it. i'm listening."

[nothing]

"goodbye tara."

you kill me, you've got some nerve
but you can't face your mistakes - Jimmy